I’m half machine. I’m a monster. Across from where? What’s Spanish for “I know you speak English?” There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s […]
Recipes
Ice Scream
Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. I’m the Doctor, I’m worse than everyone’s aunt. *catches himself* And that […]
Breakfast
It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. Bender, hurry! This fuel’s expensive! Also, we’re dying! For the last time, I don’t like lilacs! Your ‘first’ wife was the one […]
How to make a breakfast in 5 minutes
They’re not aliens, they’re Earth…liens! You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas? No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness. The way […]
Minimal Food
I saw you with those two “ladies of the evening” at Elzars. Explain that. I’ll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead […]
Pasta with my Husband
I’m afraid I just blue myself. That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. It’s called ‘taking […]
My Dinner
As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. No… but I’d like to be asked! No, I did […]
I love Cakes
Michael! That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I […]
Brunch with Friends
We just call it a sausage. It’s called ‘taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. […]